Now You Know
by HouseAddict16
Summary: House grieves by talking to the only one who ever really knew him.
1. Chapter 1

_**Now you know**_

Summary: House grieves by talking to the only one who ever knew him.

I apologize if House is out of character but he's sharing and talking, basically with himself and well you have to read it. Review please, tell me if I should continue it.

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**Day 1**

Cuddy told me yesterday after work. Of course my reaction was to deny it, go home and get drunk. That's exactly what I did. I know you would have done the same. She came by pretty late that night to see how I was doing and foolish me, I thought it was you. I almost fell apart right there when you're familiar knock was replaced by hers.

It was then I knew that I couldn't deny it anymore.

I let her in, but she could tell how angry I was. She didn't stay or talk much. When she did ask me things it was, "are you ok?" or "Do you need anything?" The only response I could muster was "No" to everything.

I really wanted to say that I needed you back, but I couldn't admit that you're my weakness. I couldn't even admit that when you were here.

I hope you know the truth now.

I basically passed out on the couch around two in the morning, all the alcohol caught up with me, but it took the pain away. That's exactly what I wanted it to do.

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**Day 2**

Today I skipped work. I had a damn good reason. You don't lose your best friend everyday. I didn't even call in, but then when do I ever call in? I didn't talk all day; it would just hurt too much.

Thinking about your absence in my life is still too hard to handle. What am I going to do? You got me, put up with me, and at times could even out smart me by correctly analyzing my actions.

I hated it when you did that.

I need to do something tomorrow or else I'll lose it. I mean really lose it. Remember when you forced me to watch _Sleepless in Seattle_?? I don't even remember why you made me watch it, but we did. Tom Hanks said "I get up and remember to breathe in and out" or something. I need to do that or I'll become irrational.

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**Day 3**

I couldn't do it. I couldn't get up and remember to breathe. Our memories are still fresh in my mind. I still half expect you to show up and tell me to stop being down and depressed, to get my ass in gear and save some lives.

To save the lives that you can't.

Cuddy showed up around noon and found me still in bed. She told me that I need to get up and try to move on with life. I said "I don't want to. I'm afraid I will forget him." That was rather tough to say to her. She said "He's impossible to forget. You will never forget him. How can you forget someone who has changed your life so drastically?"

I almost broke down again.

I eventually made it to work with her. I was no help but I was there, at least physically. I mostly just sat there. At the end of the day I ended up in your office.

First I broke down. I think I needed to. It was either that or go insane.

Secondly, after the train wreck was cleared, I figured out how I could "move on". I needed to tell you how I feel. So I wrote it down and left it in your desk. I will be the one to clear it all out eventually anyway so no one will find my feelings.

I think writing things down was your damn idea in the first place, from way back when. Damn you for always knowing what's right or best for me. What am I going to do without you?

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You like it? Let me know. You don't? Let me know that too. Want more? Of course let me know, I have potential additions lined up.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Now you know**_

Here's my new update. I'm not sure if it works with the previous chapter or whatever. Please let me know what you think and thanks for all the positive reviews.

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**Day 4**

I've made it to day four and there's good news. Vicodin sales have doubled in New Jersey! Again, something that you always knew and I knew about, but denied for so long has come out.

When I'm emotionally disrupted, the pain increases. I practically had to scream at Cuddy to fill my script. She thought I had a stash somewhere. Well I do, but that doesn't mean that I don't need more.

You could have written something about my drugs in your will.

At least my pain can distract me from other things, but that doesn't mean that I've forgotten you.

Today you should have seen me. You would have never let me drive the bike home, hell I could barely walk. Remember that time I treated the super model and asked you for the MRI? Yeah I was like that today, but without the MRI.

And that was with the Vicodin.

I'm not going to go and break my finger again or anything that drastic. But then again I really don't know what to do. You would always watch out for me and it's all up to me now.

You should be knocking on the door right now. Rescuing me from the sea of pain and somehow making it better. You never caused it, only took it away. Now you're causing it, who will take it away now?

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**Day 5**

Work today with the over sympathetic people I call a team. They wouldn't challenge me at all. I could have been severely wrong -even though I never am- and they wouldn't have batted an eye lash at it. I could have killed her and they wouldn't have noticed.

They can't hurt me, I'm already hurt enough.

I've always had a way with words, but trying to win an argument with "who died and made you…" wasn't a good move.

Cuddy's trying to replace you. You didn't put her up to it did you?

"House, close the door." I came in the office because I was paged. I had nothing better to do. I closed the door and sat down. Rested my head on the cane handle and just looked at the floor.

"What do you want Cuddy?"

"I want my brilliant diagnostician back."

"Well you can't have him. He doesn't exist without that brilliant Oncologist you had."

"That's not true and you know it."

"So what are you going to do about it?"

"Make you an appointment with someone to talk to about all this."

I lifted my head but didn't look her in the eyes. "Who died and made you..." that's where I messed up. After a moment I recovered with, "I thought we were talking."

"House this isn't talking. I get that you're depressed but you still need to save lives."

"It's been FIVE days Cuddy!" I exploded now. "You can't expect me to just pick up and deal five days after discovering that my best friend, the person who actually understood me is gone from my life forever!"

"I know." She tried to stay even toned. I could tell that she didn't want to challenge me.

"Obviously you don't if you want me to pack up and move on."

She might have called out for me but I was done. I left the office. The discussion was over.

I went home, drank half a bottle then contemplated her thought on me needing to talk.

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**Day 6**

I was in your office today and guess what? I found your secret stash of pot. Guess who's gonna have a reefer weekend? I think it's appropriate that I smoke away my first weekend without you. Everyone copes in their own way.

Jack wasn't helping as much as he usually does, so I needed Mary Jane too.

Why did we never get high together? Oh yeah, something about you being a doctor and me being one too for that matter. And something to do with it being illegal, whatever I'm doing it.

You should come too. Oh wait you're busy with the big man. I can't picture you wearing sandals, wings, white, and building a big ark. What was I thinking, you're Jewish and I don't know what you believe because you never shared that stuff with me.

Maybe I was too busy saying no God this, damn God that.

Hope being dead is almost as much fun as being stoned.

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Too OOC? Whatever you think puh-leeze let me know. 


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